Life after Death

They say there is life after death, and by the description of the title of my blog, I am not referring to Christopher "Biggie Smalls" Wallace. I am however in fact referring to the recent loss of my sister, Tricia Nicole Hayes who left us behind here to rot on this earth a little under a month ago. Within the past two almost three years now, I feel that I have lost some of the most important and close people who were near and dear to me. The feeling of loss is such a bad way to put it, as I know that I have not lost them; but that we are only temporarily separated on two different paths and journeys. While their journey here on earth has ended and there is nothing more left for them to do here on this earth; it was at that time the Lord had called them to come home.

As a man who has faith, but has constant troubles of staying in the "faith" I have never doubted that God does exist. I know he does, and when my "faith" seems to dwindle; it is more that I have turned a little bitter at him for how things have turned out or are turning out the way they are. I know they are not punishments, but sometimes it can feel overwhelming and there are times where I just stay in bed all day thinking of the day that I will finally get the chance to go home as well. It's not a contemplation of suicide, please do not get the idea that I have given up on life. I can't get to where I'm going with that direction...I'm just saying sometimes I wish he'd carry me higher(please refer to "footprints").

I'm not sure what has caused my current unrest lately...But I had been attending church on a weekly basis and also volunteering within the church. But the past two weeks and my weekend to volunteer I had passed the chance to attend. It is not that I was not up, as for when Sundays roll around I am usually up before it is time for me to even get ready for church. And on the Saturday's that I am to volunteer I am usually a little tired and worn out, but willing and joyfully ready to serve. Two services including today and this past Saturday for volunteer I have missed...why? I have felt a lack of ambition and motivation to make it to the places that I need to be. These past months on Sunday I looked forward to going as it was a weekly motivator to keep me going strong. To keep me semi-focused and on track, to inspire me, to help build me, and help keep me at rest. Not only have I been absent in church, I have also been absent in my prayers as I usually am ridden with guilt on a daily basis when I do not talk to him. I usually take a few times out of the day to converse with Him. For the past two weeks, I have only made the effort to talk to him a few times and I am not sure why the guilt does not sink in...

Life...we are given the opportunity to make whatever we want out of what we've been given and to rise above the hardships only to become stronger. We have been given the choice of free will, yet we choose not to follow the simple rules and guidelines that have been handed down to us throughout the ages of time.

Death...The minute we were born we began to die on earth. Death is only the beginning...

I'm not sure what is sparking me to write this...I guess writing is how I vent. I'm not one who particularly likes to discuss my "feelings" and "emotions" to anyone as the only one I am comfortable talking to is God out loud. I am a complex individual who always seems to keep people guessing and the swings of my mood can sometimes get the best of myself and my friends at times. I apologize for it and I love you all for it!

I could write for days, but the lack of my attention span on even writing this is saying I could mumble on forever and not know what I am truly talking about. I will also try to update more often, as I only seem to update once in a blue moon.

-Chad.